in my life i have always been trying to find out what makes me do the things i do, or not do the things i really want to do and i think i may have found the reason why i don't do alot of things in my life that i want or wish to do...

                                  fear.

i am afraid to tell the boy who barely knows me that i think he is cool and that i like him.

i am afraid to get a big time job

i am afraid to choose a major

i am afraid to move on in my life and grow up.

i am afraid that people wont see who i really am, instead of how big i am.

i am afraid that if i show someone my heart they will use and abuse it.

i am afraid that i wont find someone who i can say i want to be with you for forever.

i am afraid that i let people down, so instead i give them nothing to have let down.

i wish more then anything that i could get over some of these fears and insecurities that i have, but at the same time i don't.    i have lived nineteen years like this and have been rather happy.... the worst part about the rather happy, is i can clearly see how great my life really could be.

i just can't let go of those fears anyway.

one of the worst things about these fears is i set myself up for what i think will happen. 

i think people only see how big i am and not how fun i am... so i sit in the corner and i make little comments that no one can hear but me. or i act bitter and uninvolved because i don't want people to hurt me and leave me in the cold, so i put myself in the cold myself... when maybe they wouldn't have.

not sure if any of this makes sense, i just want everyone that reads this to know these things, or really let you know that i can finally see what you have probably known for a while :)

 i like to baby my fears because they are alot easier to hide behind then to have nothing there to blame or cover me.

 fear is scary and i honestly can say i know absolutely nothing about conquering it.

but i want to get to a point, some day, to be able to not want to stand behind my fears and be able to show myself how i truly want to be seen and not just who i want to hide myself as.