summer? you could say so.

some people may say it is summer, and i may even say so myself.

but i keep on wanting it to be last summer..... the pool just isn't the same without 

the boy who once had curly hair.

who is now officially in Mexico, super weird to think about,

but i pray that one of my best friends is doing okay in a country 

he will soon start to love more then his own.

here's a nice quote so this post isn't too pointless for you to read :)

"the only way to be happy is to live the gospel.

it is not possible to sin enough to be happy.

it isn't possible to buy enough to be happy,

or entertain or indulge or pamper ourselves

 enough to be happy.

happiness and joy come only when we

 are living up to who we are."

-sheri dew

i need this tattooed on my body so i can always remember it.

in my life i have always been trying to find out what makes me do the things i do, or not do the things i really want to do and i think i may have found the reason why i don't do alot of things in my life that i want or wish to do...

                                  fear.

i am afraid to tell the boy who barely knows me that i think he is cool and that i like him.

i am afraid to get a big time job

i am afraid to choose a major

i am afraid to move on in my life and grow up.

i am afraid that people wont see who i really am, instead of how big i am.

i am afraid that if i show someone my heart they will use and abuse it.

i am afraid that i wont find someone who i can say i want to be with you for forever.

i am afraid that i let people down, so instead i give them nothing to have let down.

i wish more then anything that i could get over some of these fears and insecurities that i have, but at the same time i don't.    i have lived nineteen years like this and have been rather happy.... the worst part about the rather happy, is i can clearly see how great my life really could be.

i just can't let go of those fears anyway.

one of the worst things about these fears is i set myself up for what i think will happen. 

i think people only see how big i am and not how fun i am... so i sit in the corner and i make little comments that no one can hear but me. or i act bitter and uninvolved because i don't want people to hurt me and leave me in the cold, so i put myself in the cold myself... when maybe they wouldn't have.

not sure if any of this makes sense, i just want everyone that reads this to know these things, or really let you know that i can finally see what you have probably known for a while :)

 i like to baby my fears because they are alot easier to hide behind then to have nothing there to blame or cover me.

 fear is scary and i honestly can say i know absolutely nothing about conquering it.

but i want to get to a point, some day, to be able to not want to stand behind my fears and be able to show myself how i truly want to be seen and not just who i want to hide myself as.